Monday, January 29, 2007
fall
depression is anger without enthusiasm.
+
i feel like i'm living two seperate lives right now.
from the time i'm off the train to school to the time i'm back on, i'm collected and cool. i'm together, i'm alright, i'm okay; i've got my smile on, i've got my little bag of blonde moments (there's no such thing as hot pickles because pickles aren't good heat conductors) and i laugh freely. i'm getting A+ for all my classes so far; business ethics and analytical skills in linguistics is awesome fun when you're at the top of the ranks, you know? i have my own little cliques in every class, i've gone to two mixers where boys have taken off their tops, where there's been free booze and free food, and i'm getting compliments on how i look good everyday lately.
then i plug-in my ipod, and it's still let him fly on repeat (and has been for the last 693 times), it still makes me cry, i'm still holding my pillow tight every night, i'm still chasing your shadows, sometimes i even miss you and wish i could take your pain away, just as a friend. because you'd always been there saving me, and this time, i want to help save you, or in the very least, be there for you.
i talked to her today, and i realized how much i missed her. there was not an angry bone in my body; not even one that felt betrayed because that was my girl, i would throw down for her, and by the cosmic will, there she was, getting on 2 stops after i did, on her way to school. we talked, about you; and i wasn't mad then either.
she told me you told her you loved her and cried, and she'd laughed. i remember the night you told me you loved me, crying when i'd cried myself halfalive, and i believed you. and i remember crying when we were, what i thought, making love, because i loved it, because i felt so close to you. how was i supposed to know that that wasn't even half of what you felt for me? i loved your sister, i loved your mom, i loved your dad, i loved your grandma... now i'm wondering if they were real, or if you made them up too just to keep feeding me the lie.
i wish i could blame this pain away; on you, on her, on the world... but no, i can only blame me. because i feel like this is the universe's way of telling me that i shouldnt have left the boy i thought would be the love of my life for the better man, just because he made me feel like i was good enough, just because his family loved me, just because i loved him.
i can only blame me because all the signs were there, all the signs were there. from dean telling me to think abt it carefully so that i wouldnt live to regret it, from him telling maria that he thought i should be with ron because it wasnt going to be fair to you, from you ceasing to be there at all, from you not wanting to call me, much less talk to me, from you withholding pictures you'd promised me months ago, pictures you gave her instead. i should have seen the signs, and i should have started running away, fast, but i didn't. because it's who i am. i stay, and i try, to love as wholly as i can even when i say i can't, even when i say i want to walk away, even when i'm not enough, which is more often than not, always the case... and guess what, that makes it my fault.
this should be easy; getting over you should be easy. it's not like you've held my hand, or that i've smelt you on my skin, or that i've ran my fingers through your hair, or that you've smiled at me, or that i've seen your eyes crinkle when i make you laugh, or that we've just laid in silence just listening to each other's heartbeats. but guess what, it's not. because i anticipated what loving you, having you here would be like. i'd made a list of places to bring you to, of things to do, of people for you to meet, of things to tell you...
you had me the whole time, and i let you do this to me. i let you sweep me away so far into the tide that i can't hardly go back, i let you build my sandcastles too close to the water, i let you let me drown, i let you leave me out in the cold night alone. and that makes this all of my fault.
i can't tell you to take it back, because you can't. so i don't want an apology, or an explanation. i don't need it. i just need you to give me back what you took away from me; the promise of something more. let him know i'm waiting, let him know that there's things for me and him to talk about, and then we'll call it even. because i do, i do miss you as a friend. i just need you to give me part of what i let you make me lose, back.
wide eyed and full at 11:30 PM
Thursday, January 25, 2007
clumsy
thank you, sissy, for the little dedicated entry. :) how did you grow up so fast? i'll pray every night you'll never have to go through what i have... and i do, i do love you.
+
i want to swing; i need the feetlessness, the breeze in my hair, the sun's warmth on my upturned face. i want to touch the sky with my toes, and have a good conversation with God; i love the creak that grows a little louder everytime i go a little higher, pushing my legs as hard as i can till i can hear the wind whistling in my ears;
because then, i feel like i'm alive again.
+
time takes it all. whether you want it to or not, time takes it all away, time bares it away... and in the end, there is only darkness. sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.
wide eyed and full at 10:46 PM
hold on, its tragic, stumbling through all this static
i like this. lying in my bed, with sad songs on repeat. i know im wasting time, wasting sleep that i should catch up on because i got so little last night... but i feel safe, enclosed in my thoughts and haunted by your whispered emptypromises.
this is one hell of a predicament, isnt it? melodramatic teen soap-ish... the only difference is that we never followed a written script. on screen, everything hangs in balance to get the ratings up for the channel, to keep viewers hooked - at the end of the day, the cast, the crew leave it all behind. in reality, everything hangs in balance because it really is that delicate... and leaving it behind is much harder than just calling "its a wrap".
at the risk of sounding absurdly pathetic, i know i'll probably still chase your shadows for a few more nights to come; i'll probably still cry till i drain the light from my eyes, but i'm letting go. it'll take a while, and the word is hardly ever defined to specify to what degree one heals, but i'll be alright. somehow.
+
as for you, friend... hoes over bros, buds over studs, we both knew that. so you broke the "cardinal rule" but i don't want you to apologize for deciding you wanted to be happy... i wont lie that this is going to be hard. i've half-forgiven you, but i've yet to forgive myself for all this.
until then, take care, you. and like i said, if you ever decide he's the one... take me out of the picture and just go for it.
wide eyed and full at 3:18 PM
